Serenity or Serendipity?

Heat wave in the fair city of Cardiff

2009-06-01T07:23:00.002+01:00

It's too darn hot.... And my brain has turned to porridge, which is patriotic but not very useful. Of course it's preferable to driving rain and sullen grey skies, but there is no pleasing me.

I have to go to the gym and do lots more laundry. If I could swan about looking gorgeous it would be fun. Maybe even drink cocktails and misbehave, but I don't drink. It's bad for me. But I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.

What's the sound of one hand clapping?

2008-04-13T06:48:00.004+01:00

Here is a poem by Zen Buddhist monk Ikkyu (1394-1181). He was eccentric, iconoclastic and a bit of a troublemaker. Oh, and a great poet.

You do this, you do that
You argue left, you argue right
You come down, you go up
This person says no, you say yes
Back and forth
You are happy
You are really happy.

The Supreme Being is the Dakini Queen of the Lake of Awareness!

2008-03-18T02:13:00.002Z

The Supreme Being is the Dakini Queen of the Lake of Awareness!
I have vanished into fields of lotus-light, the plenum of dynamic space,
To be born in the inner sanctum of an immaculate lotus;
Do not despair, have faith!
When you have withdrawn attachment to this rocky defile,
This barbaric Tibet, full of war and strife,
Abandon unnecessary activity and rely on solitude.
Practice energy control, purify your psychic nerves and seed-essence,
And cultivate mahamudra and Dsokchen.

The Supreme Being is the Dakini Queen of the Lake of Awareness!
Attaining humility, through Guru Pema Jungne's compassion I followed him,
And now I have finally gone into his presence;
Do not despair, but pray!
When you see your karmic body as vulnerable as a bubble,
Realising the truth of impermanence, and that in death you are helpless,
Disabuse yourself of fantasies of eternity,
Make your life a practice of sadhana,
And cultivate the experience that takes you to the place where Ati ends.

Yeshe Tsogel, a Tibetan princess who established Buddhism in Tibet.

Tibet, Tibet...

2008-03-18T01:51:00.004Z

A small sign of solidarity and support.

Just when you thought I'd never ever ever post again....

2007-12-24T14:04:00.000Z

Ta da! Here's a poem:
"And did you get what you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself beloved on the earth."

Raymond Carver, Last Fragment

P.S. Have a cool Yule and a magnificent 2008.
P.P.S. If anyone's reading....

Proverbs and Songs by Antonio Machado

2007-01-22T22:28:00.000Z

I
The eye you see is not
an eye because you see it;
it is an eye because it sees you.

II
To talk with someone,
ask a question first,
then -- listen.

III
Narcissism
is an ugly fault,
and now it's a boring fault too.

IV
But look in your mirror for the other one,
the other one who walks by your side.

V
Between living and dreaming
there is a third thing.
Guess it.

VI
This Narcissus of ours
can't see his face in the mirror
because he has become the mirror.

VII
New century? Still
firing up the same forge?
Is the water still going along in its bed?

VIII
Every instant is Still.

IX
The sun in Aries. My window
is open to the cool air.
Oh the sound of the water far off!
The evening awakens the river.

X
In the old farmhouse
-- a high tower with storks! --
the gregarious sound falls silent,
and in the field where no on is,
water makes a sound among the rocks.

XI
Just as before, I'm interested
in water held in;
but now water in living
rock of my chest.

XII
When you hear water, does its sound tell you
if it's from a mountain or farm,
city street, formal garden, or orchard?

XIII
What I find surprises me:
leaves of the garden balm
smell of lemonwood.

XIV
Don't trace out your profile,
forget your side view --
all that is outer stuff.

XV
Look for your other half
who walks always next to you
and tends to be what you aren't.

XVI
When spring comes,
go to the flowers --
why keep on sucking wax?

XVII
In my solitude
I have seen things very clearly
that were not true.

XVIII
Water is good, so is thirst;
shadow is good, so is sun;
the honey from the rosemarys
ad the honey of the bare fields.

XIX
Only one creed stands:
quod elixum est ne asato.
Don't roast what's already boiled.

XX
Sing on, sing on, sing on,
the cricket in his cage
near his darling tomato.

XXI
Form your letters slowly and well:
making things well
is more important than making them.

XXII
All the same...
Ah yes! All the same,
moving the legs fast is important,
as the snail said to the greyhound.

XXIII
There are really men of action now!
The marsh was dreaming
of its mosquitoes.

XXIV
Wake up, you poets:
let echoes end,
and voices begin.

XXV
But don't hunt for dissonance;
because, in the end, there is no dissonance.
When the sound is heard people dance.

XXVI
What the poet is searching for
is not the fundamental I
but the deep you.

XXVII
The eyes you're longing for --
listen now --
the eyes you see yourself in
are eyes because they see you.

XXVIII
Beyond living and dreaming
there is something more important:
waking up.

XXIX
Now someone has come up with this!
Cogito ergo non sum.
What an exaggeration!

XXX
I thought my fire was out,
and stirred the ashes...
I burnt my fingers.

XXXI
Pay attention now:
a heart that's all by itself
is not a heart.

XXXII
I've caught a glimpse of him in dreams:
expert hunter of himself,
every minute in ambush.

XXXIII
He caught his bad man:
the one who on sunny days
walks with head down.

XXXIV
If a poem becomes common,
passed around, hand to hand, it's OK:
gold is chosen for coins.

XXXV
If it's good to live,
then it's better to be asleep dreaming,
and best of all,
mother, is to awake.

XXXVI
Sunlight is good for waking,
but I prefer bells --
the best thing about morning.

XXXVII
Among the figs I am soft.
Among the rocks I am hard.
That's bad!

XXXVIII
When I am alone
how close my friends are;
when I am with them
how distant they are!

XXXIX
Now, poet, your prophecy?
“Tomorrow what is dumb will speak,
the human heart and the stone.”

XL
But art?
It is pure and intense play,
so it is like pure and intense life,
so it is like pure and intense fire.
You'll see the coal burning.

-- from Times Alone: Selected Poems of Antonio Machado, Translated by Robert Bly

Happy Hogmanay!

2007-01-10T16:36:00.000Z

Or Happy New Year, as non-Scots like to say. Here's to a braw, bricht* 2007, which will undoubtedly be heaven. This rhyming prediction will come true for everyone. For, as Satan says in 'Paradise Lost', "The mind is its own place and itself can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven." John Milton was a genius...

*beautiful, bright

High five!

2006-12-10T22:12:00.000Z

Just a quick note to say that

Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan

is the funniest film I've seen all year. I laughed, giggled, chuckled, snorted and squeaked.

Which season is it?

2006-11-11T13:30:00.000Z

There's a rosebud trying to bloom in my garden. But it's winter. Climate change? Maybe.

Post-retreat syndrome...

2006-11-06T19:35:00.000Z

took on more vivid reality when I came home on Friday to a bomb scare round the corner from my house. Police, blocked roads, the whole schmeer. Lovely retreat though...

Goodbye, Adrienne Shelly

2006-11-03T11:12:00.000Z

She was found dead in New York, in what may have been a suicide. I loved her performances in The Unbelievable Truth and Trust, and wrote my master's thesis on Hal Hartley. This sad news has just floored me, my thoughts are with her friends and family. She was such a quirky and touching actress, and a lovely woman, by all accounts.

*** It was probably murder, a construction worker has been arrested. How awful.

Red wine is lovely poison

2006-11-03T10:52:00.000Z

Hello my dears. Sorry for the lapse in service, at my delicious birthday meal I drank a bit too much Sicilian red. It was like nectar, but I paid for it the next day! More on Sunday, after I get back from St Non's.

2006-11-01T12:43:00.000Z

A big smoooch to everyone who has sent me presents, cards, e-mails, texts and kind thoughts on this, the first day of my 38th year! I smell more fragrant than Pepe, honest! Ah ze l'amour! Ah ze toujour! Ah ze grande illusion!

*** Have I got the numbers right?

2006-11-01T11:47:00.000Z

"Courage is not the abnormal," wrote poet Jack Gilbert.
"Not the marvelous act. Not Macbeth with fine speeches.
It is the thing steady and clear. The marriage, not
the month's rapture. The beauty that is of many days.
The normal excellence, of long accomplishment. Not
the Prodigal Son, but Penelope."

Penelope from The Odyssey, not Penelope Pitstop!
Click on the photo to make it bigger, if you so desire.

In six minutes I will be thirty-seven...

2006-10-31T23:53:00.000Z

The horror, the horror....

*** it's not that bad really.

Here to soothe your jangled nerves...

2006-10-31T00:32:00.000Z

My favourite thangka of White Tara, the quintessence of compassion, generosity and fearlessness. Her mantra helped me through the most difficult time of my life, when my mum had pneumonia and was in an induced coma. She's all better now, and she stopped smoking, after 40 years.

Watch out! Behind you!!!

2006-10-31T00:10:00.000Z

It's Sadako from The Ring and she's very very angry. Hey, the phone's ringing....

It's nearly Halloween, watch out for ghosts, ghouls, spooks and witches!

2006-10-30T23:47:00.000Z

Though I've always found that my own mental states can be much scarier than nearly all horror movies. The exception being the original Japanese version of Ring (Ringu). Watch spooky video, then phone call says you will be dead in a week, cue frightened-looking corpse. I scoffed at the poster saying how terrifying it was, then sat in the cinema preparing to guffaw. Well, I was hiding behind my coat, whimpering quietly, nervous on the way home and slept with the light on. Petrified I was. The spooky noises on the soundtrack...

But apart from that movie, my thought patterns can be weird. Nobody likes me, they are pretending to like me, they have an agenda, they are being secretly sarcastic. And the biggest, baddest of all - I deserve to be unhappy. Thankfully I'm rarely this tangled up in my thinking. And maybe I know the danger signs now.

On a lighter note, today I sent away for the Lateral Thigh Trainer, the infomercial got to me. Though I suspect I'll be one of the weedy wobbly people who have to hold on to a high-backed chair or a doorway to stop fall-off. I'll keep ya posted!

*** A big thank you to the wonderful Iain White, who was my escort that night at Ring. He was slightly braver than I was, I think...

How not to cook, part 1

2006-10-29T18:42:00.000Z

Ensure that your sieve is the correct position for draining noodles, otherwise half your dinner will end up in the sink. I really am a day late and a dollar short today!

As above my bed, so below...

2006-10-29T15:46:00.000Z

White Tara in a temple, not a prison

2006-10-29T15:29:00.000Z

Please sir, I want some more poetry

2006-10-29T15:15:00.000Z

Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

from New and Selected Poems, 1992
Beacon Press, Boston, MA

What a Marvell

2006-10-29T14:12:00.001Z

Andrew Marvell (1621-1678)

To his Coy Mistress

1 Had we but world enough, and time,

2 This coyness, lady, were no crime.

3 We would sit down and think which way

4 To walk, and pass our long love's day;

5 Thou by the Indian Ganges' side

6 Shouldst rubies find; I by the tide

7 Of Humber would complain. I would

8 Love you ten years before the Flood;

9 And you should, if you please, refuse

10 Till the conversion of the Jews.

11 My vegetable love should grow

12 Vaster than empires, and more slow.

13 An hundred years should go to praise

14 Thine eyes, and on thy forehead gaze;

15 Two hundred to adore each breast,

16 But thirty thousand to the rest;

17 An age at least to every part,

18 And the last age should show your heart.

19 For, lady, you deserve this state,

20 Nor would I love at lower rate.

21 But at my back I always hear

22 Time's winged chariot hurrying near;

23 And yonder all before us lie

24 Deserts of vast eternity.

25 Thy beauty shall no more be found,

26 Nor, in thy marble vault, shall sound

27 My echoing song; then worms shall try

28 That long preserv'd virginity,

29 And your quaint honour turn to dust,

30 And into ashes all my lust.

31 The grave's a fine and private place,

32 But none I think do there embrace.

33 Now therefore, while the youthful hue

34 Sits on thy skin like morning dew,

35 And while thy willing soul transpires

36 At every pore with instant fires,

37 Now let us sport us while we may;

38 And now, like am'rous birds of prey,

39 Rather at once our time devour,

40 Than languish in his slow-chapp'd power.

41 Let us roll all our strength, and all

42 Our sweetness, up into one ball;

43 And tear our pleasures with rough strife

44 Thorough the iron gates of life.

45 Thus, though we cannot make our sun

46 Stand still, yet we will make him run.

Notes

7] Humber: Hull, where Marvell lived as a boy, and which he represented as an M.P. for nearly twenty years from 1659, is on the river Humber.

10] The conversion of the Jews was to take place just before the end of the world.

11] vegetable love: that of his "vegetable" soul.

29] quaint: elegant, artificial.

34] dew. The original reading is "glew," which has been justified as meaning "glow."

36] instant: immediate and urgent.

40] slow-chapp'd: i.e., with slow-devouring jaws.

Time's winged chariot

2006-10-29T13:50:00.000Z

Well, it's official. The glooms have glommed on to my brain. Lack of sleep has a lot to do with it. But every year around this time unhappiness is a guest. Those pipe dreams of a perfect life seem so far removed from my own existence. It would be grand to have a wonderful boyfriend, even a fling would be good. But it's not likely. Ah me!

On the up side, I'm going out for a lovely meal on Wednesday (Lorenza's on Crwys Road) and on Friday it's retreat time. Off to St. Non's, which is near St David's in Pembrokeshire. It's a lovely retreat centre, an old convent still run by nuns, Irish of course. They give everyone a hug when they arrive! Very different from my earlier view of nuns as stern. And tonight Curb Your Enthusiasm is on, such a funny show and so well-crafted. Pretty pretty pretty pretty good!

A dog on a blog?

2006-10-28T22:50:00.000+01:00

Bruce, the softest dog you could ever meet, but he has a head like an anvil. Named after Robert The Bruce, of course! My mother's pride and joy, she tells him, 'Bedibyes darling'!

*** Who knows if I'll ever be able to post a pic again? Maybe dark forces are at work...

Beauty killed the Beast

2006-10-28T14:45:00.000+01:00

Well, it's time for a look at the outside. Right now I'm nearly 37, overweight and wearing a lovely moisturising face mask, what a vision. But scrubbing up does make a difference, this summer a waiter in Paris was so transfixed he kept telling me how beautiful I was. And of course when Miss Nicola was a younger, thinner version, that type of thing happened more often.

But the weird thing was that it made me feel so uncomfortable. When men have said 'you have beautiful eyes' or tried to chat me up, inside I was squirming. No, I am not Scarlett O'Hara, nor was meant to be, apologies to T.S.Eliot! In fact, when I went to the opera with my dad and wore a blue dress and the full face of slap, I felt like Calamity Jane in a dress! But of course, being pretty on the inside is what matters, and I've got much better at that. Partly the march of time, partly Buddhism, partly who knows? Tonight it is time to put on the face in a jar for din-din with my family. In Cardiff's glamorous Bay, maybe another waiter will take a fancy to me. But this time I want a free dinner!

*** No free meal but the taxi driver wanted to come in for a cup of tea. Thanks but no thanks, not my type, like the French waiter. Flattering, however.

If I had a good quote I'd be wearing it

2006-10-27T15:34:00.000+01:00

And that of course was said by the venerable Bob Dylan back in the sixties. Here are some more fabbo quotes:

In all chaos there is a cosmos, in all disorder a secret order.
-- Carl Jung

There is nothing stable in the world; uproar's your only music.
-- John Keats

A man's maturity consists in having found again the seriousness
he had as a child at play.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

To find a form that accommodates the mess, that is the task of the
artist now.
-- Samuel Beckett

Freedom is just Chaos, with better lighting.
-- Alan Dean Foster

One must have chaos within oneself if one is to be a dancing star.
-- Friedrich Nietzsche

And the daddy of them all!

“Everyone has loved and been loved. We lie about this and pretend it was otherwise. We want some other love than the one we had, some other history. But we have loved and been loved.”

from Profane Friendship by Harold Brodkey. I searched for this book for years and it was a bit of a disappointment when I found it. Set in Venice though, that was something.

And just to remind me why I'm a Buddhist, here are some more words from the Buddha in the Dhammapada: “We are what we think. All that we are arises with our thoughts. With our thoughts we make the world. Speak or act with an impure mind And trouble will follow you As the wheel follows the ox that draws the cart…Speak or act with a pure mind And happiness will follow you As your shadow, unshakeable.”

There, it's easy, isn't it?

But at least I can give a URL for a strange picture

2006-10-27T00:16:00.000+01:00

And here it is. A thousand blessings on anyone who clicks on this link!

http://www.flickr.com/photos/damema/61897514/

*** Argghh it doesn't work, maybe I should bang the desk with a rock? Replace the word "clicks" with "cuts and pastes". The red mist has descended, I must eat an oatcake and retire to the arms of Morpheus...

The blank post represents the perfect clarity of the enlightened mind.

2006-10-26T17:48:00.000+01:00

Of course it has nothing to do with my little problem posting pictures. Om tare tuttare ture svaha.

a picture is worth a thousand mantras

2006-10-26T17:38:00.000+01:00

Not really. Here is a picture of White Tara, I hope. All those eyes represent awareness.

The name game

2006-10-26T16:23:00.000+01:00

Serenity is a common word, but serendipity isn't just as obvious. The word was coined by Thackeray for the name of a character, Princess Serendip. The word as I've used it means a lucky accident, the good side of chance. A friend of mine took a dislike to poor dear serendipity, saying that it sounded like a cutesy little elf. But remember that luck isn't always obvious when it happens to you, she typed darkly...

And as for the web address, Mira is the name of the cat (means look in Spanish). Tara is a Buddhist Bodhisattva, the godlike figure made of light who symblises fearlessness and generosity. An excellent combination. When I work out how to post pictures, Tara will be the very first one. An important figure in the land of snows, Tibet. Abyssinia, dear imaginary reader. Serenity now!

*** Oooops sorry, serendipity came from Horace Walpole. Wikipedia explains it here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Three_Princes_of_Serendip

*** Abyssinia is a jokey way of saying 'I'll be seein' ya', a joke which often falls on deaf ears and eyes.

Finally I can log in!

2006-10-26T12:26:00.000+01:00

Yes, this Beta business has hit me too. Can't even log in on the main page. But I'm here now, though I doubt anyone is reading, what with all the competition...

The back pain has come back a bit, but I am distracting myself with red lipstick and chocolate. Later I may even take painkillers. The giddiness in the last post has subsided, that's 2am euphoria, nothing like it. In fact, it's slightly addictive, the racing thoughts and silly smiles.

Later on I'll go to the Buddhist Centre, if my spine co-operates. We are talking about ethical dilemmas, mine is lying about my age. Since 37 is rearing it's ugly head next week, maybe being 36 for another year wouldn't be too bad. When I was diagnosed with MS it took nearly a year to get back on track, I'm owed that time! What do you think, dear reader? Toodle pip.

Back pain is a pain in the back

2006-10-26T01:34:00.000+01:00

What a day I had today! Evil back pain when wandering around in the night, and a fearsome struggle to get out of bed in the morning. But that pain, in a way, was a blessing. Or rather, the ousting of ouch is a blessing. After much gritting of teeth and peculiar walks along the landing, the agony abated somewhat. Not forgetting the sterling efforts of the inanimate gym ball, a fruit smoothie and Indiscreet with Cary Grant and Ingrid Bergman. But most of all, my mother Isobel deserves a cheer, for being herself and for bringing me some yummy food.

This story is a way of welcoming you to my life. Hello, how are you? Take a look at my profile. This blog is a work in progress, much like myself. A journey without a fixed destination. Reader, I am going to my bed of no pain. And chuckling at the silliness of it all. Silly is a state of grace, the loss of ego leads to childlike freedom. Huzzah!

It's the beginning of a blog, history in the making...

2006-10-26T01:11:00.000+01:00

Golly jeepers, the first post on my very own blog and well, I'm confused. It is late. But here is a joke. How was copper wire invented? Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny!!! Yes, I am Scottish...